Have you ever felt like you don't belong here? As if you're an outcast who, no matter how hard you try, can't fit into today's era? Have you ever felt like your heart and soul are hundreds of years old, even though your body is young? Do you stand out from your generation?
किताबों में छपते हैं चाहत के किस्से,
हकीकत की दुनिया में चाहत नहीं,
ज़माने के बाजार में ये वो शह है,
जिसकी किसीको ज़रूरत नहीं है,
ये बेकार बेदाम की चीज़ है।
(In books, there are stories of love and desire,
But in real life, love doesn't seem to be the fire.
In this modern world, there's a kind of trend,
Things that aren't needed, they seem to pretend.
All this show-off and fuss,
Is just pointless, it doesn't mean much.)
Kishore Kumar said it when it wasn't even cool; he could have sensed the rise of the pop culture of "Wham, bam... & thank you, ma'am," which is apparently engulfing the love from the air.
I was in grade 6 when someone talked to me for an hour and said, "You're really old school, I like it, always be that!" I smirked like a clueless girl, immediately went back home, completed my homework, took 10 rupees from my mother, went to the internet cafe, and checked what "old school" meant. There I was, the most appropriate phrase of the universe was found, and every time I had to describe myself, I loved saying, "I'm an old-school person."
Only when I grew up did I realize the true meaning of being this old-fashioned plain girl and also the pain that the world around me is not ready to accept. All the fun was in the ordinariness I believed in. While everyone's hashtags looked like this: #potd, #clubnight, #beachparty, #iphone, #hookingup; mine looked like these: #vintage, #peace, #selflove.
I don't believe in categorizations, so I won't say a person who parties won't read books or someone who hooks up can't ever fall in love; it's all possible in a single lifetime. But being an old-school person, I did realize that no matter what, I can't even make sense of loud music or clubbing, some bottles of beer, and random people calling it the most fun night of their life. I can't make sense of people or my friends who meet someone for casual sex with no strings attached (maybe it makes sense to them). I can't make sense of people dressing up all jazzy just to match up with the environment they're going to spend time in. I can't make sense of reading only terribly tiny tales posts if you've never lived a long story for a few months and then cried like a baby because it's over. Why can't I be myself and still be accepted without being labeled or without doing all of these things?
Those funky moves, the bass, hipster lyrics, and all the loudness is fine, but where is the solace in music if not in the melodious voice of Rafi or Lata Mangeshkar, or for someone Pink Floyd, Linkin Park, or Rolling Stones? True, my playlist is often useless when everyone gathers in a room to have 'fun'. Sorry but not sorry, it's better to fail to call today's Bollywood music — music in real terms. Most of the songs composed and written by classic bands used to be poems sung out loud that meant a whole different world in their heads. Today, there's a single line sung through the whole verse of a song.
When I hear my grandparents recounting how they fell in love at first sight, I see a certain innocence dictated by first meetings, holding hands, sending letters through common friends, and fighting with the world to be together. And when I think about all the years they spent together and how they stuck with each other in times of happiness and sadness, it almost always puts a smile on my face. However, it also leaves a small part of me envious.
It's slightly difficult to survive in a world where the basic idea of love is swiping right or left on a mobile app or is so technologically driven. I see people meeting people at a cafe, event, or club and instead of seeing where it goes, they end up hooking up and never seeing each other again. Initially, when we were in college, it was about being 'cool' and experimenting. But as time has progressed, it seems like being in such a phase has given people commitment issues and constant fear. Nobody wants to invest wholly in another person. They just want to meet, hook up, fulfill physical desires, leave, and repeat, which really just means that the whole idea of unconditional love, where feelings are genuine and the comfort of knowing that your partner is always there for you, has been turned upside down. They never realize that what they are seeking is not just physical desires, deep down, they are seeking validation to be wanted by another person. The internet has ruined many things that used to make love special. I miss the way love used to be spoken about and written about. I only see it in old black-and-white movies now. I only see it in dusty, worn-out photographs of my great-grandparents. I don't see old-school love anymore. And I feel alone feeling all this.
I envy the previous generation of my grandparents, which was not driven by technology, was selfless, not seeking validation, wasn't uncertain, and was ready to fight. They did not have "your issue", or "my issue" – it was always "our issue". They never gave up, no matter how hard the times were. But this generation shuts down, gives up on the slightest conflict, and then posts about true love which they are not ready to work for. Haha! what an irony.
Whomsoever I have met in my past 20 years, my friends, colleagues, or anyone, their idea of attraction was solely based on appearances, and it's not gender-specific. In a world where attraction is defined by how full a woman's breasts are or how perfectly curved her ass is, or how lean a man's body is, whether he has a biscuit body or not, our society is based on the idea of sex, and love has been replaced by sex. It's a harsh reality but people will not accept it. It appears that sex is the only important thing for people nowadays. The ability to have crazy, passionate sex in every imaginable position is more important than compassion and intellectual intimacy. Gone are the days of learning to love each other emotionally and physically.
And this is not just something I've been thinking about lately. In fact, for as long as I can remember, I've always been considered "weird" because my ideas never were on the same page as these concepts. I think on a completely different note that is not from this era.
Ever since I was a little kid, I wasn't interested in superficial, everyday stuff. Instead, my attention was drawn to deeper questions for which no one has answers. The same goes for all my relationships – and I'm not talking about romantic ones only. Whenever I've expressed my thought process to a friend or to anyone I genuinely opened up to, I've always been told, "esa nahi hota hai ab, bakwas hai sab", "tu konsi duniya se hai, sab kitabi baatein hai". You are different and you will not find anyone like you are, as if I am an alien. Everyone around me was so practical and just hollow inside, still not ready to accept.
And when I say this, I struggle a lot each passing day with my existence – to fit in, to be a part of this superficial world, make sense of the new glittery stuff I'm being introduced to each year, the feeling – that maybe I'm just a boring, weird, outdated person (as the world has labeled me till date). Each one of them is so cool. My thought processes don't align with this idea driven by the Western world. I feel trapped 24*7 in this wrong era where my existence and my true self are questionable each and every day by everyone.
I don't see anyone finding comfort in waiting. And I haven't found a single person who resonates with me or the way I am. This generation's thought processes are so much about individualism, personal space, and selfishness, that everyone is scared of the idea of togetherness and commitment. It's disheartening to witness how much has changed. The era of instant gratification and fleeting encounters has created a culture where everyone is in pursuit of the next thrill, the next conquest, without stopping to consider the true impact of their actions. The concept of a mundane life has become a dreaded nightmare, and the idea of settling down with one person seems like an alien concept to many.
It breaks my heart into pieces that I don't fit anywhere, no one can understand what kind of person I am, and I don't know why being old school is unacceptable after a point. Everyone loves the gestures towards them from an old-school person, but ironically, they cannot sync themselves with their thought process.
This feeling of being alone in this era where you know you don't belong, wrenches my heart. Giving up on life seems like an easier option than waking up and struggling to find your existence in a world that has zero place for you, a society not ready to accept how you behave and think or even trying to make the world understand you.
Comments
Post a Comment