A DINNER WITH MY DEMON

You don't know me, so what I have to say might not be important to you right now. But if you will take just one moment and read my words, it could make a difference to you. Just give it a try.



"A piece of advice," my Father once said, "I don't know why you are so insecure and insensitive. Really. You have so much going for you and somehow, you fail to see it. You always act like a lost little puppy, too scared to be free. Talking to your inner-self."

He continued with his monologue for an hour.

Thinking back to the times when I exhibited signs of how little I valued myself, although I wasn't quite aware at the time but I was extremely introvert and shy too. Layered with low confidence, these three personality traits, without doubt, create a rather disadvantageous alignment in anyone's stars.

I spend my days alone with a book and a cup of coffee in my hand and dreaming of the 'could-be' life. 
Something needs to be done, I thought, since suddenly I was imagining future me as an older lady with 50 dogs (not funny).

Since past few years, I used to have this quiet, menacing voice inside me. I was starved for attention and affection, but every time I started to receive attention and affection from somebody, that voice would quietly urge me to get away. "You'll be trapped," It would say. And suddenly, I'd begin to have irrational ideas about never being able to end up with anyone.

As a result, I spent my life being a terribly inexpressive person, emotionally challenged. I became the girl who said, she couldn't wait to see you and then never showed up. I became the girl who strangely found an endless litany of excuses to abandon people. I became the girl who would just walk out in the middle of a conversation, a movie, a party, with no explanation and go somewhere else.

It wasn't that I didn't like being surrounded by people. Actually it was the opposite, I did like those people and that's what terrified me. That's what woke that inner voice saying, "let's get out of here. Let's find something better. Don't get stuck. Nothing is permanent, everyone is going to leave."

It was like this inner demon constantly repelling me from anyone I felt close to.

We all have demons, parts of ourselves that we don't like to acknowledge but we see lurking inside us, part of ourselves that cause us to do irrational and selfish things not out of love for ourselves, but out of fear for ourselves.

But no matter how hard I try to ignore my demons, they are always there, bubbling up to the surface, seeping out from the lid that I try to keep on them. And the harder I try to hold that lid down; the more fucked up my life became. I treat others like shit to distort my deep-seated fear that they will eventually treat me like shit.

The demon I always struggled with is being inexpressive for the emotions I felt. People are expressive in their nature, they know things and the way to put them up but in my case it is the opposite. That little voice inside whispers that no one else has this problem, therefore I must be some sort of loser.

When I procrastinate, I tend to judge myself pretty harshly, telling myself I'm a no good, just a piece of crap.

                       Demons start out as a self-judgement, then I try my hardest to avoid that judgement, to prove it wrong. But eventually, that avoidance becomes self-destructive.

And worse,no matter how much I prove my demon wrong, it doesn't go away. No matter how hard I work, the demon is never satisfied. So the only alternative is to distract myself from the demon, or worse, to give in.

          Then one day, I decided to try something I had never really tried before: I would become friends with my demon, my tireless inner-critic.
So I started by giving that critic a name; I called her "Vinassa."

Vinassa ends up cruelly judging me for even the faintest evidence of my own failures. But you know what? I'm not going to hold that against Vinassa. Not anymore.
                            Like everyone, Vinassa needs love and compassion too. She also needs to be listened.
So, one night in bed, I closed my eyes and imaged sitting down to have dinner with Vinassa.

"Vinassa," I said "you really make my life hell sometimes, you know that? I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough because you never leave me alone."

To which Vinassa, whose voice sounded like a hungry mermaid, said, "Mimansa, you've made a demon out of me when I'm really just the other side of your fiery ambition. The only reason I cast doubt on everything you do is because you want me to do so much. I don't make you sit down and think unnecessarily for hours. I merely remind you of what you value when you do. And, If that hurts, so be it."

"Goddamn, Vinassa. You sound just like hungry mermaid."

Vinassa looked at her fins and rumbling scaly-stomach, "I know, I know. I get hungry a lot."

"So, what you're saying is, you're just here because you reflect the sacrifices of the things I desire?" I asked.

"You could say that," replied Vinassa. "Or you could go even further and say that I'm not a reflection of you. I am you."

I don't remember much conversation after that. I fell asleep and dreamt fighting with Doraemon for taking away the people I love.

In this sense, every demon has its associated angel. And my demon is just the other side of my unrecognized self. When we don't face that demon and befriend it, we complicate our ability to live up to our values. So be nice to your demons and in time they will be nice to you.