THE UNPLEASING SELF

 

We’ve all had that friend that’s says “You should stand up for yourself”, or maybe you’re that friend. Either way, what does it actually mean? Does it mean fighting back and acting tough? Does it mean you should always share your truth?

 

“I aim to please. It’s okay, no worries. Please don’t worry, it’s no big deal.” These are some things I’ve said when interacting with others. The truth was that it wasn’t okay, and it was inconveniencing me. I could never voice this to people. What if they didn’t like me? Growing up I learned to be polite and to respect my elders, so I considered it rude to tell someone that what they are asking for or what they are doing is actually not okay. I also didn’t want to create any unnecessary problems or conflict.

 

As we grow wiser, the way we stand up for ourselves starts flourishing from our own values. Those values may change over time. But whatever they are, they’re all valid because they come from your own value systems.

 

I always seemed to end up doing things I didn’t want to do or helping people with things that they should do themselves. I would get frustrated and annoyed and end up taking it out on those people who are close to me. Why did I do this?

 

I think some people grow up believing in their heart and soul that they are loved and accepted and so therefore don’t have to depend so much on other people to give them their daily dose of attaboys, the approval ratings that determine if they’ll be able to function properly throughout the day.

 

Me?

 

I know, in my adult, neo-cortex, sophisticated part of my brain that I am loved. But the reptilian, immature brat part of my brain does most of the thinking in my noggin. So this girl is petrified of not being liked, of doing anything that might hurt somebody’s feelings, of the slightest confrontation, because whenever she raised a concern in the past, the reprimand for challenging Person A was far more painful than the reason she raised her voice to begin with. I learned that the more comfortable way to live was to keep that trap shut at all times in terms of opinions that go contrary to the way the river is flowing.

 

But you know what happens when you do that for too long? Your body starts to collect pockets of Cortisol, the evil stress hormone that mucks up every organ in the human body, especially the brain. Stress hormones in the prefrontal cortex of your brain do bad stuff, killing off cells and diminishing nerve regeneration, that make you into, well, a whackjob like me.

 

Thus, where I’m at, this very moment, is an uncomfortable place. And I call myself a wildflower in an undisturbed place.

 

A few months ago, I made a bold move. I didn’t ruffle a few feathers. I blew that chicken or turkey, or whatever the hell it was, away with a good gust of wind.

 

That’s very unlike me.

 

But I believed in something so strongly that I couldn’t let my people-pleasing nature stand in the way of doing what was right.

 

Had I sat pretty and smiled for everyone, I’d end up in the same position I was four Diwali's ago, when, at a relative’s home, 200 bucks got stolen and my brother was falsely accused. I went with everyone else story because to challenge their accusation and to defend my brother would have created awkwardness which I wasn't ready to stand for.

 

I went for convenience over truth.

 

I did the wrong thing.

 

A day later more details were learned, and my brother wasn't the villain at all. I apologized profusely to my boy and promised him that I would always hear him out first, before jumping to accusations or punishment.

 

And I should hear myself out too. Because that what I felt like doing.

 

In the journey of standing up for self, it always involved standing up to some people from whom I desperately want approval. It risked being disliked from a handful of folks, friends of friends, and enduring, I suspect, some hurtful rumors and trash talk behind my back.

 

“When will I care less about being liked?” I asked my inner-self, Vinassa.”

 

I was experiencing the physical symptoms of flexing my non-people-pleasing muscle and it hurt like hell. I hadn’t slept in days. I’d lost my appetite. And I had that familiar knot in my stomach that makes concentrating on anything else practically impossible.

 

“When will I wake up and not care about what other people think about me?” I asked her.

 

“The more times you exercise that muscle,” she said, “the easier it gets, the less severe your symptoms will be.”

 

I suspect that’s true. 

 

"For as long as you can remember, you have been a pleaser, depending on others to give you an identity. You need not look at that only in a negative way. You wanted to give your heart to others, and you did so quickly and easily. But now you are being asked to let go of all these self-made props. You must stop being a pleaser and reclaim your identity as a free self," she added.

 

And that hit me hard.

 

When we start to live with our eyes open, embrace a wholehearted life and start saying yes to the dreams that scare us, we unknowingly force other people to take a long hard look at themselves.

 

There's something people won't tell you when you start to stand up for yourselves and following the beat of your drum. And that's this: often you'll lose someone along the way. Somewhere between finding your voice and dealing with dream-shitters, something changes.

 

One thing that I have learned is that you have to speak up for what you think, because if you don’t, it usually results in more time and work. Even if no one listens to what I have to say, at least I have said my piece.

The world is full of conflict and it would never go away. I just had to learn to deal effectively with conflict. This required that my inner emotional state needed to be able to handle the conflict without taking things personally and getting upset.

I started seeing conflict as good, as it allowed me to speak my truth. I learned that I was not responsible for how others felt about my choices as long as I was not being selfish or offending. I started standing up for myself, and my experiences shifted.

Now that I understood conflict to be natural, and that all I had to do was voice my opinion, I just needed to know how. I wanted people to know what was important for me. I needed to be able to take responsibility for my needs and for expressing them.

I needed to change how I spoke.

This was not easy, as I had to change. People resisted this new me and there were some people that didn’t like it. Instead of rejecting them for not accepting me, I loved them harder. I just ensured they understood that these were choices for me, and not against them.

We have to accept ourselves to be accepted by others, and we have to teach people how to treat us. We deserve to be treated like the amazing, beautiful souls we are.