A Friendship Breakup that Changed Me!

I try to put it in the back of my mind, but it still decides to bother me in quiet times.

The laughs…

The secrets exchanged…

The tears that came…

The bond that was created…

You can probably identify with the feeling of heartbreak. Whether it was an innocent grade school crush who didn’t share her notebooks with you or a passionate love affair that went up in flames, chances are we’ve all been there at least once. We write books and poems about it, watch movies, and listen to songs, all so that we can feel less alone and be reassured that other people have been through it too and somehow survived to tell the tale.

But there’s another kind of heartbreak that we rarely turn our attention to. The movies are harder to find, the books aren’t any best sellers, and there are no Spotify playlists dedicated to mourning these losses. This is funny because these are supposed to be the relationships that stick around the longest.

Why is that? Why do we universally understand romantic heartbreak to be akin to an actual physical wound, but the heartbreak that comes with platonic loss is swept under the rug, almost entirely disregarded? I don't propose I have the answers to these questions, I just feel I am not the only one who is wondering about them.

Friend break-up is not as light and easy to cope with as it sounds. If you have ever been through one, you’d know!

We met on the first day of graduation. I don’t remember who was the lecturer, who else was sitting at the table, or whom did I talk to, but I remember meeting her. I saw the gentle look in her eyes and heard the rudeness in her voice and knew that I felt an immediate connection to her. And that was it. I had found my best friend. Although, she never liked the word “best friend” neither did she quote us as one.

It wasn’t the gradual kind of friendship where you learn a little more about each other every time you meet, slowly picking up morsels and eventually becoming closer and closer. It happened all of a sudden, all at once, starting on that day. We spent the next four years doing everything together. Through all ups and downs, thick and thin, we were there trying to prove the world wrong.

I had always dreamt about a friendship like this. It felt like I had finally found my person, the one that would always have my back. I imagined us being each other’s bridesmaids and bringing our babies together for playdates. It was years of having a constant companion, of feeling protected and protective all the time, of never being lonely or alone.

But, as we all know, life happens. In every relationship, there are tests, some big and some small. We just happened to have one big one. It's been 734 days that I have “not talked” to the only friend I had.

"I understand that the closeness she shared with me was a disguise for survival".

It was a quiet kind of heartbreak. It wasn’t triggered by a fight or an unpleasant exchange of words, nor was it realized in one single moment like the sudden recollection of a phrase that had been on the tip of your tongue. It crept up on me, small and subtle, and stayed and grew bigger and bigger until the memories of our old friendship felt further and further away. 

We talked less and when we did there were pauses in the conversation that didn’t use to be there. We stopped telling each other the little details, and then slowly the big ones too. When we met for the last time, we weren’t as content just doing nothing together. And so, slowly, it faded.

We still text each other happy birthday every year. People still give examples of the bond we shared, and tell tales of the friendship we had. But there’s a pang in my heart every time I hear from her. Because I don’t know if her favorite food has changed, what makes her laugh anymore, or whether she still snores while she laughs. 

And because I want to tell her the truth. The truth is that this has been harder to get over than any romantic relationship. The truth is she was a part of my vision for my future life and now she’s not even on my list of people to text in a crisis. The truth is, this heartbreak is just as real as the kind that ends up in movies.

But I’ve learned, as we all do, that not all friends are forever. It doesn’t make them any less important or influential, and it doesn’t invalidate the memories we have of them. They will always be a special part of our history because they helped shape us into who we are today. And life is meant to be lived through experiencing many different people who will all help shape you and grow with you. 

Whether you lost each other because of distance, a fight, miscommunication, or just the passing of time, don’t worry- with time you’ll heal and if not then talk about it because I know the pain is unbearable.

“Growing apart doesn’t change the fact that for a long time, we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I’m glad for that.”

— Ally Condie

P.S. It was important for me to write this and get it out of my system so that I can start fresh and can move on from this break-up. I want to regain the lost trust in friendships, joy, and inner self that was lost in between these years of coping.